Sex, Autism, Gaming and Feminisms.

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Things I love #89342623

This:

http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/148072/20110518/rare-color-photos-from-depression-era.htm From here.

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Things I have done.

I did try blogging about psych ward, alas it was too traumatic at the time, and to be entirely honest I’m not that healthy right now.

Bipolar, Aspergers, OCD, ADHD. I have too many labels and too many diagnoses.
Suffice to say I’m a nutcase.

The navigation of the human experience is one of the most trying things for me, and I often wonder why I don’t end it.

And then I think about all the things I can do, my piano, my mind, my friends and family. Even my therapist.
I’m surrounded by people who care and there is so much magic in the world. It’s a shame it is so hard to find.

Being unemployed isn’t very fun, I’d love a holiday to a far away place.

I’d like to go back home. To England. Or visit New York and Seattle.

However that is off the cards in anything but the long long term.
Perth is a city that I love, it’s a fantastical shithole. But it’s my shithole.
But the playing video games all day, trying to find the ability and common sense to study while maintaining a stable sleeping patter does in the end become monotonous.
I’ve recently been dilly-dallying with a cute lady named Lily, she’s cute, a gamer, loves her anime and nerdy scifi.

On another note. the 19th of May was my birthday.

26. Closer to 30 than before.
I swore by now I’d have done many things, unfortunately I have really failed in that one.
So I take solace in the things I have done and can do, in no particular order:
So here goes a list: (Autistics? Making lists? Nooo wayyy!!!?)

1. Play Piano
2. Extremely good at FPS video games
3. Nearly completed 1 semester of Sociology.
4. Had photography in a gallery.
5. Got on the front page of slashdot at the very top.
6. Have some vintage 1977 “Star Wars” posters.
7. Have an epic DVD collection.
8. Once constructed a treehouse in a public park, using just scavenged materials and a hammer.
9. Visited France, Italy, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Singapore, Bali, Thailand, England and all the actually interesting Australian states (QLD,NSW,WA,VIC).
10. Shot an AK-47.
11. Helped Beta-Test Escape Velocity: Nova.
12. Worked on and off in IT in various roles.
13. Got extremely drunk in kings cross and Newtown while kissing cute queers.
14. Had sex with most every flavour of gender.
15. Once played Piano at the UWA auditorium.
16. Dived in reefs off the coast of Nah Trang.
17. Swum in Nigaloo Reef.
18. Visited a sweatshop.
19. Read everything written by Naomi Klein, Most of Judith butler, Serano, Connell, Asimov, Clarke, Palhaniuk, Gibson, Tolkien,  Herbert and Feist.
20. Met Amanda Palmer.
21. Saw Garbage, Placebo, Amanda Palmer, The Dresden Dolls, Bob Dylan, Cat Empire, Reel Big Fish, Spiderbait, Goldfinger, Less than Jake, Tiger Army, Michael Franti and a whole bunch of others live.
22. Played through Halo 1 Co-Op on legendary over the course of 24 hours.
23. Fallen in love. (Multiple times, and every single one was different).
24. Kissed a beautiful woman while sitting in a tent on the beach at sunset in a remote corner of WA.
25. Learnt to fish with my Father.
26. Played poker for money (and lost).
27. Drunk a proper and perfect Dry Martini.
28. Sat on a beach in the early hours of the morning around a roaring fire with close friends.
29. Played with Lego.
30. Tried to kill myself.
31. Had my heart broken.
32. Been loved unconditionally.
33. Had a dog.
33. Had several cats.
34. Killed my goldfish.
35. Killed any and all pot plants I have tried to keep alive.
36. Enjoyed a perfect mug of early grey tea early in the morning while standing in the crisp morning air.
37. Ran topless in the rain.
38. Swum in a pool in the middle of a monsoon season.
39. Smoked weed while listening to Bob Dylan play live.
40. Beaten the top Darts player in a pub.
41. Listened to Simon and Garfunkle on Vinyl.
42. Read the entire Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy ‘trilogy’.
43. Learnt to eat which chopsticks.
44. Seen every film by Tarantino and Rodriguez.
45. Built a go-cart with my dad and ridden it down a steep hill.
46. Had my Mother accidentally destroy my go-cart with her car.
47. Played NES,SNES,N64, SEGA Master System 1 and 2, Atari 2600 and Sega Mega Drive.
48. Watched original Transformers early in the morning with my cereal.
49. Bought pokemon and magic cards.
50. Played Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer.
51. Cosplayed.
52. Been to conventions while cosplaying.
53. Bought and read a first edition copy of Tennyson.
54. Proudly called myself a Feminist.
55. C0me out as Gay, Lesbian and Transsexual.
56. Built my own computer.
57. Taken pictures of my friends being idiots with a polaroid camera.
58. Gotten to Level cap in Star Trek: Online, Guild Wars and World of Warcraft.
59. Done tequila slammers.
60. Regretted doing tequila slammers.
61. Seen all of Babylon 5.
62. Had sex in a public place.
63. Enjoyed a long Australian summer day on the beach fucking around in the surf.
64. Went to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
65. Learned about fine wine and beer.
66. Enjoyed delicious cheese while looking over fields of lavender.
67. Tried to pick up a lobster with my bare hands.
68. Been to a Star Trek convention.
69. Tried to learn to skateboard.
70. Ridden on trails in a mountain bike.
71. Climbed a rock face (A short one).
72. Camped in the Australian Bush.
73. Visited a naval base and asked about missiles (When I was 11).
74. Been on board a submarine.
75. Learnt to drive a boat and a yacht.
76. Played mini-golf.
77. Played actual g0lf.
78. Sifted for gold-dust.
79. Drunk rainwater.
80. Made my own jam with my Mum.
81. Entered a cake in a baking competition (And lost spectacularly).
82. Done paste-ups.
83. Lay down in the middle of a deserted freeway at 3am.
84. Ridden on a motorcycle.
85. Painted my own apartment with the help of my girlfriend.
86. Run with a puppy in a beautiful field of Canola.
87. Learnt to ride a horse.
88. Seen sea lions in the wild.
89. Played with a Dolphin at Monkey Mia.
90. Stubbed my toe.
91. Listened to grunge while crying as a teenager.
92. Baked cupcakes.
93. Been in multiple psychiatric wards.
94. Wondered what Spam is made out of.
95. Had a teddy bear.
96. Swung a broadsword.
97. Ridden the night train between Paris and Niece.
98. Walked on a pier in the south of England in the rain.
99. Enjoyed a mug of hot chocolate.
100. Loved myself.


Trying to visualize madness.

There is a loss that you feel at that moment of intersection between realities.
Almost a rebirth, where you cease to be yourself and become a machine of flesh, bone and blood, you feel your heart beating in your chest but you are unsure if it is yours. In your head emotions scream and rage, voices and imagination take root in reality and suddenly your entire sense of self is gone.
Reality Loss.

The self that is held together by rational thought, the concept that one moment actually directly followed another, one action has a consequence that creates a system of interlocking moments that in the end make up our very lives.

The loss of that to the emotional self, the one that doesn’t say anything to you as much as it is you, it doesn’t control you as much as it is a loss of control, a loss of time, space energy and rational thought.

Yes, I have been mad. Doctors have told me so many times that I have this disorder or that, this disease or that malfunction. I am like a clock ticking out of time in rhythm with the heart beat of the universe.
Slipping into madness isn’t something anyone enjoys, it’s not something you choose, it is a reaction, a moment chosen for you by some greater self brought to life by our experiences, emotions and chemical imbalances.

I’ve tried to think how I would describe being mad to people, I never have any real answers.

Madness isn’t logical. It just is.

Sometimes people become mad, some are just born that way.
I don’t know which I am. It has ceased to matter. I am forever placed in a position of debate against my psyche.

Mad is not fun.

 


The world spins…

Things keep turning and life goes on.

Got a new job that is fairly boring, I wrote a song for a friend for when she was down.

Action begins at 0:30 – *Song For Izz*

(action starts at 50 seconds in)
It’s not partciularly good and I lose my details at about 3 minutes for about 30 seconds because I have difficulty making my fingers keep up with what my head wants to do.

I’m off to Sydney on the 25th to see a gig, seriously looking forward to it.
Details here : http://amandapalmer.net/afp/upcoming-shows

Yes i’m going to go see Amanda Palmer again, I need to quit doing this.
I’ve even got tickets to her Perth gig at flybynight a week later. Awesometastic.

Love living in central Perth, it’s really doing me some good, allowing me to get out of the house more, overcome my anxieties deal with the ‘Real’ for awhile.

Sociology at uni is slowly killing me and I have no idea if I’ll ever finish my degree. This blog is rapidly getting boring. Got a cool chick named Jen living with me, she likes the same stuff I do and enjoys my music which is always a bonus, as having a house mate who didn’t would probably drive me mildly insane.

Must write more things here, I stopped for a good long while. Hope to change this.

See you all soon,
Samanth0r


moments

I am a foreigner in this place, from a land long departed.
Murdoch has become something of a home for me, I have met people who inspire me and I have found subjects which instill a sense of fascination and fire within me.
I do not know if this is my voice anymore however and can only hear the voices of the thousands women before me.

I have stepped into this place hoping to find a home and that is what I am trying to create.
A place where I can work in peace, where I can study and find like minded people.
A place for home, eccentricity and love.
Maybe I can do good here.

I am an idealist, one day I will no longer be , but I hope my passions are never extinguished.


Admiration.

I write this now is after reading a chapter of Carole Maso, who’s writing of home, heart and emotion speaks to me in the voices of Elizabeth Jolley, Dorothy Porter, Julia Serano and so many other great women authors who I have admired.

As I have aged I have surrounded myself and been inspired by strong women.

Women who’s talent, passion and drive continaully push me to want to better myself and improve who I am. My relationships with these women have been complex and hard to verbalise but I feel I must.

So here you will find some things I find so enduring about these women and why they shall always live in my memory.

One of these women is my Mother, though we fight, bicker and at the end of the day have little in common I realise she did the best she could, I respect her achivements and her art. She is an image of comfort and childhood, unfortunatley it’s an idealised one.

As a child she provided the comfort and warmth one would expect from a Mother, though she has provided me the sense of security or the help that I needed. Her own issues are immense and she must fight her own battles, though she has not always sided with me, I know it is because she has her demons she must face.

I respect her for running away from home, for leaving an abusive father and for starting her own business and being sucessful, politically we do not often agree. She is however always going to be my Mother, and I love her.

To U.

I cannot remember how we met, and although we have only ever spoken long distance I feel like I know your face by heart.

We share a common congnition about the world, and although our genetics and age are so different we are much alike.

When I am older you are the kind of woman I want to be, I respect the way you feel about the world and your opinions on the nuances of ‘Slack’, you are the part of me who wishes she had ever visited Olympia in the mid ninties and seen Cobain live.

You are cool in ways that I am not, and I am in some ways cooler that you in others. What this means though is subjective and only really important to the two of us. You taught me a lot about what it means to be Butch and to be comfortable in my own sexuality. You are dear to me in many ways and I hope our friendship continues for many years.

Here’s to that whiskey by the beach one day.

To E.

Although we are so different I am in awe of your intellect and I feel like a stupid child next to you.

You can be patronising but I know you mean no harm in it, you taught me a lot about feminism and what it means to think about gender and the paths it cuts through our lives and culture.

You are beautiful and graceful and although you suffer that terrible physical disconnection we both share, you always seem to look at home in your body and connected to it. I envy this and your ability to pose. You are a delight in front of the camera and a delight to learn from. I respect you as a teacher and something of a mentor. You have since moved far away to the land of the ‘free’ for a woman that you love. I hope you don’t end up regretting this. My thoughts are with you always.

To C.

I cannot call you a friend, but you were a Mentor.

My social worker and constant support, with paitence for my irritabilty and irattional behaviour that seemed inexhahustible.

THanks for putting up with me. You taught me to be proud of who I am, stand up for myself to my family and to be okay with being Queer. I am in your debt. I have not seen you in years and I hope you are well. My best goes to you and your partner, I often wonder if you had that IVF and child you so badly wanted.

To R.

A friend, who’s taste in film I dislike, and who’s ability to be so terribly Neurotypical sometimes borders on the frustrating. Although weighed down by your anxiety your desire to achieve your goals despite any barriers is remarkable.

You are informed and well thought out, politics is your game and you play it well.Both professionally and personally. Your social skills scare me sometimes because I am threatned by what I do not understand.

Your heart is in the right place so your desire to get your goals completed and your need for social justice in this world is a wonderful one. You are a supportive friend and companion in my daily life. Thanks for being there when I needed it most.

To M.

You are a puzzle to me sometimes, I feel we have a link that is somehow intangible. Like a lost sister who I should never have had in the first place. It’s hard to say. Your ability to know your own heart and speak your desires is beautiful and heartbreaking. You often seem sad and weighed down by so many things and I often wish to lift you up and see if you’re okay.

You taught me about feminism, social conscience and thinking objectivley about emotions. Although we only ever get time to speak in short bursts my desire to sit down with you and just talk for hours is a burning one. I feel there is much you could teach me, on campus I see you as a mentor, a sister and a friend. Although you can be radical and often outspoken your ability to accept those parts of yourself and see them in a positive light inspires me to do the same.

You are older than I am, but your embrace is warm and kind.

There are more women I could talk about here, but those are the main ones.

With that said.

Goodnight,

Samantha


Good news everybody!

Was down on campus, guild Education Vice President asked if I would be interested in being an equity ambassador and help new equity (read different abled/neurodiverse) students on campus and help them get around. This is pretty awesome.
On top of this I’m all enrolled for second semester (Sociology), as well as this one of my close friends mentioned she new an autism research specialist/psychologist  on campus named Dr David Leach, I went to see him today, while he doesn’t normally bring on patients, because I am a student on campus he is willing to see me as a psych for as long as I’m there.

This is some of the most awesome news I’ve had in a very long time.