The Turning of Morgan Laudine.-Excerpt from the diary of Mathias Sprout: Junior Record Keeper, Luskan Library.
Morgan was born over 200 years ago, the daughter of a noble household, her mother was a handmaiden in the court of the govenor of Luskan, a city on the Northwest Coast of Faerun. Her father, an influential merchant who traded in antiquities and rare artifacts.
She was only young when she was turned, it was late winter the snow was heavy that year. In her dreams she heard a faint singing, mournful and so sad, tossing and turning she awoke in the dead of night, the air was freezing, she could see her breath in the air, the last time she would. The singing came again, surrouding her, screaming in her ears, seemingly coming from every direction. She heard a loud knock on the door of her bedroom, she froze and the singing vanished. Her father was standing in the doorway, the warm light of the fireplace in the library reflected behind him. He was old, dressed in traditional court attire, his bright smile and toothy grin beamed at her.
“are you okay Morgan?, I’ve been out late with a meeting with the local dutchy and I could hear your screaming even from the courtyard!”Yes father, i’m fine, just a nightmare..nothing more than that I think. I’ll try and get some more sleep.'”well that’s a good girl, remember you’ve got etiquette training in the morning, then horse riding afterwards, so you’ll need your sleep!”You’re right of course, good night”sleep well’
And with that he closed the door, and clomped off down the corridor and up to the second floor.
She pressed her head into the pillow, desperate to sleep, when she heard it again, the singing, so sad. so very very sad, a womans voice.’rise little one’The voice was quiet, barely a whisper, a voice of shadow and night, wind and the moon. soft, dark, slurring.She rose from the bed the white sheets of the cover falling softly back onto the bed, and clad only in her nightie she opened the door and stepped into the corridor.
It was freezing, the fire that shone so brightly before had dimmed to embers and the cold had leaked back into the house. The singing came again, and the voice, ‘come….’ her body follwed, she was entranced, the voice was so beautiful, so wonderful and yet…Across the hall, through the library she walked, the door to her fathers study stood before her, old mahogony wood, symbols on the door in some anchient language, her father said it was a gift from something called an Eladrin.The voice again, ‘The door, open it…’For a momment she could talk, hear herself ‘I can’t fathers study is off limits’ open…it…”but..I…'”OPEN IT”
She turned the handle, the door creaking on it’s hinges as it opened.Her fathers study was beautiful, old books and strange containers with all manner of things stacked everywhere, scrolls littered the floor, and a huge globe, the entire known world of faerun stood next to an old rocking chair. And on the opposite side of the room, a large wooden desk, of beautiful dark wood, covered in symbols and runes, stange writing from all manner of languages, the top covered in papers along with an ink well and quill.
‘THE DESK”I…cannot”go…the desk…there is a compartment…hiddeen…a catch..in the desk drawer.’ She felt her body move to the far end of the desk and into the chair her father would sit at.Her hands moved, the desk drawer was opened, the gold key suddenly in her hand. Where did she get it, she had no clue. Her thoughts sluggish.
She pulled the drawer out entirely, scattering it’s contents, old quills, bits of parchment, letters, all over the floor. Her fingers moved along the surface of the bottom of the desk, where the drawer had been.’…this…you are…nearly…there….find..the…’ A catch, a small compartment opened in the top of the desk.’….this…my prison, for such…a long time…..’The comparment held a lever, encrusted with runes, sparkling dark metal. She reached in and pulled.’…wonderful…oh soo close…’The sides of the small compartment fell away, the top of the desk, smealessly fell into the sides, a space within a space, larger on the inside.’You…there…I am here…find…me’Her fingers pushed into the inky blankness of the space in the desk, she felt it, hard, perfect, she withdrew her hand.In the palm of her small hand lay a perfect diamond, pulsing with a soft red light, the singing again, louder this time, coming from all around her…and the voice…’my prision, cast in here long ago, a cruel joke cast in here by an eladrin witch..but now…I am free.’That voice was so cold.
The diamond shattered in her hand, energy flew up into her eyes. And with that. Morgan Laudine was dead.
But not. She awoke, stone cold, so so cold. Her arms were covered in blood. Everything was covered in blood. Two corpses lay at her feet. Her parents bedroom. And she screamed.
I am incredibly unbiusy and have stopped blogging and I really need to get back to it, I guess I’ve been away from the next and or possibly stuck in the land of skyrim and tamriel in general. more as it happens and of course, when I have time and energy to put my writing back together again.
I did try blogging about psych ward, alas it was too traumatic at the time, and to be entirely honest I’m not that healthy right now.
Bipolar, Aspergers, OCD, ADHD. I have too many labels and too many diagnoses.
Suffice to say I’m a nutcase.
The navigation of the human experience is one of the most trying things for me, and I often wonder why I don’t end it.
And then I think about all the things I can do, my piano, my mind, my friends and family. Even my therapist.
I’m surrounded by people who care and there is so much magic in the world. It’s a shame it is so hard to find.
Being unemployed isn’t very fun, I’d love a holiday to a far away place.
I’d like to go back home. To England. Or visit New York and Seattle.
However that is off the cards in anything but the long long term.
Perth is a city that I love, it’s a fantastical shithole. But it’s my shithole.
But the playing video games all day, trying to find the ability and common sense to study while maintaining a stable sleeping patter does in the end become monotonous.
I’ve recently been dilly-dallying with a cute lady named Lily, she’s cute, a gamer, loves her anime and nerdy scifi.
On another note. the 19th of May was my birthday.
26. Closer to 30 than before.
I swore by now I’d have done many things, unfortunately I have really failed in that one.
So I take solace in the things I have done and can do, in no particular order:
So here goes a list: (Autistics? Making lists? Nooo wayyy!!!?)
1. Play Piano
2. Extremely good at FPS video games
3. Nearly completed 1 semester of Sociology.
4. Had photography in a gallery.
5. Got on the front page of slashdot at the very top.
6. Have some vintage 1977 “Star Wars” posters.
7. Have an epic DVD collection.
8. Once constructed a treehouse in a public park, using just scavenged materials and a hammer.
9. Visited France, Italy, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Singapore, Bali, Thailand, England and all the actually interesting Australian states (QLD,NSW,WA,VIC).
10. Shot an AK-47.
11. Helped Beta-Test Escape Velocity: Nova.
12. Worked on and off in IT in various roles.
13. Got extremely drunk in kings cross and Newtown while kissing cute queers.
14. Had sex with most every flavour of gender.
15. Once played Piano at the UWA auditorium.
16. Dived in reefs off the coast of Nah Trang.
17. Swum in Nigaloo Reef.
18. Visited a sweatshop.
19. Read everything written by Naomi Klein, Most of Judith butler, Serano, Connell, Asimov, Clarke, Palhaniuk, Gibson, Tolkien, Herbert and Feist.
20. Met Amanda Palmer.
21. Saw Garbage, Placebo, Amanda Palmer, The Dresden Dolls, Bob Dylan, Cat Empire, Reel Big Fish, Spiderbait, Goldfinger, Less than Jake, Tiger Army, Michael Franti and a whole bunch of others live.
22. Played through Halo 1 Co-Op on legendary over the course of 24 hours.
23. Fallen in love. (Multiple times, and every single one was different).
24. Kissed a beautiful woman while sitting in a tent on the beach at sunset in a remote corner of WA.
25. Learnt to fish with my Father.
26. Played poker for money (and lost).
27. Drunk a proper and perfect Dry Martini.
28. Sat on a beach in the early hours of the morning around a roaring fire with close friends.
29. Played with Lego.
30. Tried to kill myself.
31. Had my heart broken.
32. Been loved unconditionally.
33. Had a dog.
33. Had several cats.
34. Killed my goldfish.
35. Killed any and all pot plants I have tried to keep alive.
36. Enjoyed a perfect mug of early grey tea early in the morning while standing in the crisp morning air.
37. Ran topless in the rain.
38. Swum in a pool in the middle of a monsoon season.
39. Smoked weed while listening to Bob Dylan play live.
40. Beaten the top Darts player in a pub.
41. Listened to Simon and Garfunkle on Vinyl.
42. Read the entire Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy ‘trilogy’.
43. Learnt to eat which chopsticks.
44. Seen every film by Tarantino and Rodriguez.
45. Built a go-cart with my dad and ridden it down a steep hill.
46. Had my Mother accidentally destroy my go-cart with her car.
47. Played NES,SNES,N64, SEGA Master System 1 and 2, Atari 2600 and Sega Mega Drive.
48. Watched original Transformers early in the morning with my cereal.
49. Bought pokemon and magic cards.
50. Played Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer.
52. Been to conventions while cosplaying.
53. Bought and read a first edition copy of Tennyson.
54. Proudly called myself a Feminist.
55. C0me out as Gay, Lesbian and Transsexual.
56. Built my own computer.
57. Taken pictures of my friends being idiots with a polaroid camera.
58. Gotten to Level cap in Star Trek: Online, Guild Wars and World of Warcraft.
59. Done tequila slammers.
60. Regretted doing tequila slammers.
61. Seen all of Babylon 5.
62. Had sex in a public place.
63. Enjoyed a long Australian summer day on the beach fucking around in the surf.
64. Went to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
65. Learned about fine wine and beer.
66. Enjoyed delicious cheese while looking over fields of lavender.
67. Tried to pick up a lobster with my bare hands.
68. Been to a Star Trek convention.
69. Tried to learn to skateboard.
70. Ridden on trails in a mountain bike.
71. Climbed a rock face (A short one).
72. Camped in the Australian Bush.
73. Visited a naval base and asked about missiles (When I was 11).
74. Been on board a submarine.
75. Learnt to drive a boat and a yacht.
76. Played mini-golf.
77. Played actual g0lf.
78. Sifted for gold-dust.
79. Drunk rainwater.
80. Made my own jam with my Mum.
81. Entered a cake in a baking competition (And lost spectacularly).
82. Done paste-ups.
83. Lay down in the middle of a deserted freeway at 3am.
84. Ridden on a motorcycle.
85. Painted my own apartment with the help of my girlfriend.
86. Run with a puppy in a beautiful field of Canola.
87. Learnt to ride a horse.
88. Seen sea lions in the wild.
89. Played with a Dolphin at Monkey Mia.
90. Stubbed my toe.
91. Listened to grunge while crying as a teenager.
92. Baked cupcakes.
93. Been in multiple psychiatric wards.
94. Wondered what Spam is made out of.
95. Had a teddy bear.
96. Swung a broadsword.
97. Ridden the night train between Paris and Niece.
98. Walked on a pier in the south of England in the rain.
99. Enjoyed a mug of hot chocolate.
100. Loved myself.
Note: All entries typed on my phone. Entries will be brief because of this.
Back on ward after 3 and a bit years, I wasn’t coping well and it took me a long time to settle in.
I’m somewhere new this time D20 psych at Charles Gairdner Hospital.
Was planning to be shifted around but I’m being kept here long term.
I will blog at the end of each day.
I didn’t for the first six so from now on I will try.
Anxious about new nurses and facility but settled in quickly.
A bit lost, acting Very autistic.
Often feel unable to communicate and trapped in my own head.
Bad serious anxiety and panic attacks.
Sensory problems at maximum. Everything is too loud or too bright.
A slammed door can make me fall to the ground. Slowly getting better.
Met with psych team briefly.
Prescribed rest, therapy and drugs. Asked to participate in group program as of monday the 1st.
Diagnosed : Aspergers possible bipolar.
Drugs: Seroquel and Lorazepam
Lorazepam is PRN to take when needed seroquel 50mg at night.
This is on top of my hormones.
Woke up in a total mood shift today
Felt angry frustrated for no real reason
Punched a wall and kicked over a chair
Given seroquel and lorezepam.
Rested for awhile. Did alot of reading.
Naomi Klein’s Shock Doctrine.
Southern Theory by Raewyn Connell
Sat in the courtyard and listened to Nirvana.
They have a good piano here.
Great sound and action.
Other residents from every spectrum:
DID, Bipolar, Borderline, Schitzo, Auties, PTSD, Drug Abuse rehab, Brain Damaged. Fun lot. Makes dinner times interesting.
Breakfast: Toast & Cereal with Orange juice
Lunch: Grilled Chicken and veggies, Ice Cream!!!!
Dinner: Eating at hospital cafe
I have been given hospital grounds privileges. Allowed off ward but not off grounds.
I don’t often post other peoples things. But this is seriously important.
Autistics have voices. We Must be allowed to speak. all of us.
There is a loss that you feel at that moment of intersection between realities.
Almost a rebirth, where you cease to be yourself and become a machine of flesh, bone and blood, you feel your heart beating in your chest but you are unsure if it is yours. In your head emotions scream and rage, voices and imagination take root in reality and suddenly your entire sense of self is gone.
The self that is held together by rational thought, the concept that one moment actually directly followed another, one action has a consequence that creates a system of interlocking moments that in the end make up our very lives.
The loss of that to the emotional self, the one that doesn’t say anything to you as much as it is you, it doesn’t control you as much as it is a loss of control, a loss of time, space energy and rational thought.
Yes, I have been mad. Doctors have told me so many times that I have this disorder or that, this disease or that malfunction. I am like a clock ticking out of time in rhythm with the heart beat of the universe.
Slipping into madness isn’t something anyone enjoys, it’s not something you choose, it is a reaction, a moment chosen for you by some greater self brought to life by our experiences, emotions and chemical imbalances.
I’ve tried to think how I would describe being mad to people, I never have any real answers.
Madness isn’t logical. It just is.
Sometimes people become mad, some are just born that way.
I don’t know which I am. It has ceased to matter. I am forever placed in a position of debate against my psyche.
Mad is not fun.