Sex, Autism, Gaming and Feminisms.

Admiration.

I write this now is after reading a chapter of Carole Maso, who’s writing of home, heart and emotion speaks to me in the voices of Elizabeth Jolley, Dorothy Porter, Julia Serano and so many other great women authors who I have admired.

As I have aged I have surrounded myself and been inspired by strong women.

Women who’s talent, passion and drive continaully push me to want to better myself and improve who I am. My relationships with these women have been complex and hard to verbalise but I feel I must.

So here you will find some things I find so enduring about these women and why they shall always live in my memory.

One of these women is my Mother, though we fight, bicker and at the end of the day have little in common I realise she did the best she could, I respect her achivements and her art. She is an image of comfort and childhood, unfortunatley it’s an idealised one.

As a child she provided the comfort and warmth one would expect from a Mother, though she has provided me the sense of security or the help that I needed. Her own issues are immense and she must fight her own battles, though she has not always sided with me, I know it is because she has her demons she must face.

I respect her for running away from home, for leaving an abusive father and for starting her own business and being sucessful, politically we do not often agree. She is however always going to be my Mother, and I love her.

To U.

I cannot remember how we met, and although we have only ever spoken long distance I feel like I know your face by heart.

We share a common congnition about the world, and although our genetics and age are so different we are much alike.

When I am older you are the kind of woman I want to be, I respect the way you feel about the world and your opinions on the nuances of ‘Slack’, you are the part of me who wishes she had ever visited Olympia in the mid ninties and seen Cobain live.

You are cool in ways that I am not, and I am in some ways cooler that you in others. What this means though is subjective and only really important to the two of us. You taught me a lot about what it means to be Butch and to be comfortable in my own sexuality. You are dear to me in many ways and I hope our friendship continues for many years.

Here’s to that whiskey by the beach one day.

To E.

Although we are so different I am in awe of your intellect and I feel like a stupid child next to you.

You can be patronising but I know you mean no harm in it, you taught me a lot about feminism and what it means to think about gender and the paths it cuts through our lives and culture.

You are beautiful and graceful and although you suffer that terrible physical disconnection we both share, you always seem to look at home in your body and connected to it. I envy this and your ability to pose. You are a delight in front of the camera and a delight to learn from. I respect you as a teacher and something of a mentor. You have since moved far away to the land of the ‘free’ for a woman that you love. I hope you don’t end up regretting this. My thoughts are with you always.

To C.

I cannot call you a friend, but you were a Mentor.

My social worker and constant support, with paitence for my irritabilty and irattional behaviour that seemed inexhahustible.

THanks for putting up with me. You taught me to be proud of who I am, stand up for myself to my family and to be okay with being Queer. I am in your debt. I have not seen you in years and I hope you are well. My best goes to you and your partner, I often wonder if you had that IVF and child you so badly wanted.

To R.

A friend, who’s taste in film I dislike, and who’s ability to be so terribly Neurotypical sometimes borders on the frustrating. Although weighed down by your anxiety your desire to achieve your goals despite any barriers is remarkable.

You are informed and well thought out, politics is your game and you play it well.Both professionally and personally. Your social skills scare me sometimes because I am threatned by what I do not understand.

Your heart is in the right place so your desire to get your goals completed and your need for social justice in this world is a wonderful one. You are a supportive friend and companion in my daily life. Thanks for being there when I needed it most.

To M.

You are a puzzle to me sometimes, I feel we have a link that is somehow intangible. Like a lost sister who I should never have had in the first place. It’s hard to say. Your ability to know your own heart and speak your desires is beautiful and heartbreaking. You often seem sad and weighed down by so many things and I often wish to lift you up and see if you’re okay.

You taught me about feminism, social conscience and thinking objectivley about emotions. Although we only ever get time to speak in short bursts my desire to sit down with you and just talk for hours is a burning one. I feel there is much you could teach me, on campus I see you as a mentor, a sister and a friend. Although you can be radical and often outspoken your ability to accept those parts of yourself and see them in a positive light inspires me to do the same.

You are older than I am, but your embrace is warm and kind.

There are more women I could talk about here, but those are the main ones.

With that said.

Goodnight,

Samantha

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One response

  1. we met on deviant art, I found some photos of yours that were tagged as queer and we chatted there and then everywhere else. Then you diagnosed me aspies 😉 I dunno when we started talking…I’m extremely honoured by the things you said. Btw everyone is cooler than I am ;p. Xox-sammeh.

    2010/07/19 at 8:18 pm

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