Sex, Autism, Gaming and Feminisms.

Archive for July, 2010

moments

I am a foreigner in this place, from a land long departed.
Murdoch has become something of a home for me, I have met people who inspire me and I have found subjects which instill a sense of fascination and fire within me.
I do not know if this is my voice anymore however and can only hear the voices of the thousands women before me.

I have stepped into this place hoping to find a home and that is what I am trying to create.
A place where I can work in peace, where I can study and find like minded people.
A place for home, eccentricity and love.
Maybe I can do good here.

I am an idealist, one day I will no longer be , but I hope my passions are never extinguished.

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Admiration.

I write this now is after reading a chapter of Carole Maso, who’s writing of home, heart and emotion speaks to me in the voices of Elizabeth Jolley, Dorothy Porter, Julia Serano and so many other great women authors who I have admired.

As I have aged I have surrounded myself and been inspired by strong women.

Women who’s talent, passion and drive continaully push me to want to better myself and improve who I am. My relationships with these women have been complex and hard to verbalise but I feel I must.

So here you will find some things I find so enduring about these women and why they shall always live in my memory.

One of these women is my Mother, though we fight, bicker and at the end of the day have little in common I realise she did the best she could, I respect her achivements and her art. She is an image of comfort and childhood, unfortunatley it’s an idealised one.

As a child she provided the comfort and warmth one would expect from a Mother, though she has provided me the sense of security or the help that I needed. Her own issues are immense and she must fight her own battles, though she has not always sided with me, I know it is because she has her demons she must face.

I respect her for running away from home, for leaving an abusive father and for starting her own business and being sucessful, politically we do not often agree. She is however always going to be my Mother, and I love her.

To U.

I cannot remember how we met, and although we have only ever spoken long distance I feel like I know your face by heart.

We share a common congnition about the world, and although our genetics and age are so different we are much alike.

When I am older you are the kind of woman I want to be, I respect the way you feel about the world and your opinions on the nuances of ‘Slack’, you are the part of me who wishes she had ever visited Olympia in the mid ninties and seen Cobain live.

You are cool in ways that I am not, and I am in some ways cooler that you in others. What this means though is subjective and only really important to the two of us. You taught me a lot about what it means to be Butch and to be comfortable in my own sexuality. You are dear to me in many ways and I hope our friendship continues for many years.

Here’s to that whiskey by the beach one day.

To E.

Although we are so different I am in awe of your intellect and I feel like a stupid child next to you.

You can be patronising but I know you mean no harm in it, you taught me a lot about feminism and what it means to think about gender and the paths it cuts through our lives and culture.

You are beautiful and graceful and although you suffer that terrible physical disconnection we both share, you always seem to look at home in your body and connected to it. I envy this and your ability to pose. You are a delight in front of the camera and a delight to learn from. I respect you as a teacher and something of a mentor. You have since moved far away to the land of the ‘free’ for a woman that you love. I hope you don’t end up regretting this. My thoughts are with you always.

To C.

I cannot call you a friend, but you were a Mentor.

My social worker and constant support, with paitence for my irritabilty and irattional behaviour that seemed inexhahustible.

THanks for putting up with me. You taught me to be proud of who I am, stand up for myself to my family and to be okay with being Queer. I am in your debt. I have not seen you in years and I hope you are well. My best goes to you and your partner, I often wonder if you had that IVF and child you so badly wanted.

To R.

A friend, who’s taste in film I dislike, and who’s ability to be so terribly Neurotypical sometimes borders on the frustrating. Although weighed down by your anxiety your desire to achieve your goals despite any barriers is remarkable.

You are informed and well thought out, politics is your game and you play it well.Both professionally and personally. Your social skills scare me sometimes because I am threatned by what I do not understand.

Your heart is in the right place so your desire to get your goals completed and your need for social justice in this world is a wonderful one. You are a supportive friend and companion in my daily life. Thanks for being there when I needed it most.

To M.

You are a puzzle to me sometimes, I feel we have a link that is somehow intangible. Like a lost sister who I should never have had in the first place. It’s hard to say. Your ability to know your own heart and speak your desires is beautiful and heartbreaking. You often seem sad and weighed down by so many things and I often wish to lift you up and see if you’re okay.

You taught me about feminism, social conscience and thinking objectivley about emotions. Although we only ever get time to speak in short bursts my desire to sit down with you and just talk for hours is a burning one. I feel there is much you could teach me, on campus I see you as a mentor, a sister and a friend. Although you can be radical and often outspoken your ability to accept those parts of yourself and see them in a positive light inspires me to do the same.

You are older than I am, but your embrace is warm and kind.

There are more women I could talk about here, but those are the main ones.

With that said.

Goodnight,

Samantha


Shit just got real. (i.e my novel)

http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2010/07/digital-drugs/ June Just Got Real.


Good news everybody!

Was down on campus, guild Education Vice President asked if I would be interested in being an equity ambassador and help new equity (read different abled/neurodiverse) students on campus and help them get around. This is pretty awesome.
On top of this I’m all enrolled for second semester (Sociology), as well as this one of my close friends mentioned she new an autism research specialist/psychologist  on campus named Dr David Leach, I went to see him today, while he doesn’t normally bring on patients, because I am a student on campus he is willing to see me as a psych for as long as I’m there.

This is some of the most awesome news I’ve had in a very long time.


Want to get involved in womens discussion about video games?

Join us over at:
http://www.reddit.com/r/GirlGamers/


When friends come out.

Yesterday a close friend of came out as trans.
Honestly I was a little shocked, I’ve known her for a long time and never suspected a thing.
She’s got support for her parents, her girlfriend, as well as some of her friends.

But this isn’t about her, this gave me a bit of a shock.
I had assumed little behaviours just meant she was a ‘bit femmy’ and put down her quirks like me to her autism.

You build up this image of somebody and then they still manage to surprise you.

The human race is remarkable that way, well I’m being fully supportive of her and her goals in life.
She will still be my friend, if anything we have more in common now.

It often makes me wonder why people freak out when friends transition, I’ve done a lot of gender theory  hell one of my old partners is trans. But I never reacted negativity the first time, what drives family members or friends to push away people when they transition?

I imagine being their Mother would take its toll even a little, deep down if you raised this person, spent hours in labour to see their face. Raised them from a tiny baby to a strong empowered adult.

When you assume they are one gender and raise them as such you get overwhelmed by their desire to be another.
On the other side of the coin though, it would give you time to get to know that person better and better to see all the little pieces add up, put together the signs. Thankfully the latter is what happened for my friend.

Imagine if it had been the former, imagine if she had been kicked out of her house or shunned and abused like so many others.

Where does transpanic come from?
I’m not talking about, the OMG YOUR A WHAT murder that happens when guys attack trans women.
I’m talking about parents and friends.

Why would you push away somebody you care about when you learn something new about them?
Is it really all about built up perceptions of that person or is it something deeper?
Society in general doesn’t like it when gender barriers are blurred or crossed.

Sure we can provide equality between men and women, even pay gaps, crack the glass ceiling (go Julia),  but when people genuinely decide to cross those barriers society explodes. The reasons behind this are numerous , but the most important one is that of power.

Men are given in general more empowered positions in life, they are seen as more headstrong, tougher, capable, they get payed more, and are seen as breadwinners. Women are considered to be child bearers, housewives, we are payed less and generally find it harder to get through life without a man to help.

Men and women are considered to hold different kinds of power, in this instance though only one kind of power matters.
And that is the power of self expression.

Now it’s easy for a girl to wear men’s clothes and not get shit, hell I wear baggy jeans every day, boys t-shirts, and have a lot of hobbies that are considered ‘guyish’, but if anyone of you know me I’m far from Male.

However, for a man to wear women’s clothing is a HUGE act of rebellion, it’s considered a complete deviation and something to be shunned. Why you ask?

This has everything to do with femininity and and masculinity.
Mainly how femininity is something of a scapegoat in today’s society, another word for ‘powerless’.

(check out Julia Serrano’s book for more on this)

When a man expresses femininity he is putting himself into a position of relative ‘dis-empowerment’
By shedding masculinity or exploring feminine behaviour,  a man is considered to be a ‘pussy’ and stripping himself of power and status.

He becomes weak. Because society can’t stand femininity and any possible expression of it.
You can use the biological deterministic argument and say that, men are simply stronger and better equipped to deal with the harsh challenges of todays world. Now of course that’s a load of rubbish, neither sex these days is that much stronger than the other, and if they are they generally make up for it in other ways.

So what of sociological reasons, what of societies desire to crush femininity?
Is it wrapped up in a Patriarchal fear of of being ‘less than a man’, being ‘feminine?’ or being Female.

Does the reason so many trans women are alienated stem from Patriarchal fear of the feminine? of the female.

Food for thought.


Gaming Log 10/7/2010

9:46 pm
Game: Bad Company: 2

A brief gaming session tonight only two maps.
Conquest mode, nobody really working together tonight.
When I left Had a score of 1000, which is fairly average for me, particularly on the Atacama Desert map.
Everyone seemed to be going engineer tonight and my side kept getting demolished.
Funnest bit on this map? Probably hiding inside a demolished building with two rockets left as an enemy helicopter circles

overhead. You could hear it, I couldn’t see it at all. and every time it would swoosh past firing it’s rockets.
The worst part was I didn’t have a tracer dart equipped which makes choppers seriously hard to hit without them.
So I ran out from cover fired off my rocket launcher when BOOM across the map, a tank shell falls at my position.
No luck today

We had more luck on the previous map with two wins before the map change.
I can’t remember the name of this one, pretty sure it was valpariso, and I did fairly well capturing a point single handedly.
Left that round with about 800 points and only 3 kills (worth 50 a peice barring special circumstances) in this map all my kills were saviour which was totally neat, as saving another team mate gains you an extra 100 points and doing it 3 times grants you an extra 100 at rounds end as well as the ‘Saviour pin’.

Best momment of this map? Right at the end I’m driving in a tank to support some allies at a position we had just captured.
There was a huge cloud of smoke over the road directly in front of me with the barn to the left. assuming the enemy was in the barn and that was their smoke hiding guys ready to blow me up, I firedly widly with the main gun into the side of the barn.
It promptly colapsses and thats when I see it. Across the bottom of my screen -100 Killed Teammate. 3 times.
My whole team had been hiding in the barn waiting to ambush the enemy and I had wiped them all out.
Without even thinking… next time i’ll think before I just fire off tank shells.