Sex, Autism, Gaming and Feminisms.

Archive for February, 2010

Fuck You Mum & Dad

Dear Mum and Dad,

I’m sorry it has come to this, I really am.
We’ve fought so much over the years and the sad part is that you two are just unwilling to accept me as I am.
I’ve realised that. But it hasn’t changed my mind or will ever make me change.

He’s gone. Dead.

This makes me feel overjoyed in ways that you can’t possibly imagine.
I look at myself in the mirror now and I feel happy, I feel okay with who I am.
I’m a woman, I’m Autistic, I’m Creative, I’m Smart, I’m Gay.
I’m all of these things and so much more.
Over the last two years my life has changed for the better in so many ways.
Yet you guys seem intent on making me feel like I haven’t achived anything.

I try to do what you would like.
You tell me I should go to uni.
I go to uni. I am liking it and doing well.
So you tell me to get a job.
I do this too.
And yet it seems like no matter what I do nothing is good enough for you two.

You guys are both SO successful in your lives and it feels IMPOSSIBLE to live up to.
Mum, You’ve been a graphic designer who has won some of the industrys top awards and worked with some of the worlds biggest clients. You’re a wonderful painter and amazingly creative in ways I can’t live up to.

Dad, You’re one of the most successful business men in the country, You’ve helped found a football club, you’re on the board of tennis australia, you’ve earned a great deal of money and get to live a lifestyle the envy of millions.

You push all of us as hard to be just like you.
But we aren’t.
Me in particular.

I’m never going to be ‘normal’ and I wouldn’t ever want to try.
Fitting in is something I NEVER plan to do.
I revel in my difference and take joy in calling myself a Freak.
I’m a freak, and I’m REALLY proud of it.

I’m also proud to have Heather as a partner, one of the most beautiful and smart women i’ve ever met.
She has been there for me in ways you guys have never been able to or it seems like are ever willing to provide.
Throwing money and hope at a problem child doesn’t make them better.
I’m broken because of my past.
And I will stay broken. That can’t be fixed. All I can do is live with who I am today.
That is hard to do, but I manage it none-the-less because I know I am a strong empowered woman who is capable of making her own descisions. I’m 25 in a little under 4 months. That will make me 5 years from 30.

Will I still be stuck in this same situation at 30? I hope not.
I don’t want to live the next 5 years under your financial domination.
Let alone your emotional abuse.
I try to think how I will ever have a ‘normal life’ and I don’t see it being possible.
How are people my age with mental illness supposed to be able to make a life for themselves?
People with Aspergers are NOT welcome in most communities because of our social difficulties.
I try, every day to battle against peoples bullshit social ettiqute and stupid rules that I don’t understand.
Most of the stuff you do every day makes zero sense because you take everything so personally.
Cant you ever step back from your own situations and realise that the world is bigger than just your selves.
Now at this stage you’re probably calling my a hypocrite. And you’d probably be right.
Atleast I have an excuse to be one.

Because as far as I can tell, you dont.

Mum, you put so much effort into the apperance of your family and yourself and protecting anyone from finding about our families real problems that its left you with stress, issues and serious mental illness.

On top of this, you have NEVER dealt with what your father did to you and I seriously think you take that out on your own children and those around you. Maybe its you who needs therapy, because I certainly don’t.
I’ve been in therapy for two years, I’ve dealt with my emotional problems.

And yes while you may disagree with my psych I am definatley a woman. Just ask Dr Denise Follet.

Director of the metropolitan mental health service. I see one of the most qualified and respected women in the perth psych community as my therapist and counselor. So if I can’t convince you that I’m a woman then surely she can. Your inability to accept me for being a woman aswell as for being aspergers is no longer my problem.
After this letter I will no longer be willing to engage in arugment in those areas.

I know who I am, you may dominate my life financially (which of course you wrouldn’t have to IF YOU WOULD JUST LET ME OFF THE TRUST) If I do this, I would be eligible for centrelink services, and uni support services.

I would have money from my job + the government + heather to be TOTALLY self sufficient.
True I wouldn’t have a nice apartment or a fancy tv.
But at the end of the day, those things don’t matter to me.
They are just things. Things are unimportant.

I’ve grown up challenging you at every step, this is really common in people with Autism/Aspergers.
But it doesn’t make me a child anymore.
I am capable of independant thought. I am not retarded.
The things I say make logical sense, your inability to understand them is grounded in your own social prejudice and unwillingness to adapt to new social climates. This isn’t an attack. It is simply the truth.

This letter is going to criticise you a great deal, I am sorry for that.
You have made a great deal of money and provided for me in ways that most people would envy.
But you sold your souls to do it and I want no part in who you are.

Onto my surgery and being a woman.
I feel incomplete without this, It isn’t an ‘autistic phase’ or ‘obsession’ please you have no idea what my obsessions are. You have known very little about who I am or my personal life sicne I moved out.
But I can assure you my obsessions exist in other areas.
Some of which are listed below:

Correcting Social Injustice and Helping Civil Liberties. (This has always been my greatest obsession, you should surely be aware of that from my opinions.)
Improving our daily lives through application of technology. (Again obvious)
Punk Cabarete. (A genre of music grounded in brechtian theatre)
Playing piano.
B grade film amd cinema in general. (you think I collected so many posters for no reason?)
Video Games. (my primary way of tuning out and relaxing. it is simple and I can focus on one thing.)

Those are just a few, but the main ones in my life.
My sexuality and my gender do not define who I am, but they provide me with a grounding in reality and the social world. Just as yours do. I am proud to be a woman. But I feel desperatley unhappy to be incomplete.
This surgery could change my life for the better in so many ways, particularly emotionally.
I feel like I can never ‘grow up properly’ without this.
You say you are worried about how I will feel at 40 or 50, well let me put it too you this way.
At that stage You will both be long gone and not in a position of having to deal with it.
It will be MY problem and my problem alone. My life. My Problem. My descions.
Having surgery effects you in only one way: Fiancial. and I have a way of aliviating the costs of that if you hear me out. Emotionally it will mean though you will have to let go. It’s time to stop mourning and grow up.
You are both old enough to not act so childish about this. Let him go. Simon is gone.
He is never coming back. I know you wish he would. But he isn’t. I am so much happier in every single way than I ever have been before.

As Samantha.
This is WHO I AM.

Like I said in my first letter all those years ago, Your acceptance is not required.
Just your understanding and help. If you don’t help me I will find other ways to get the money for surgery.
Because I can’t live at this half way point for another 5 years. Or another ten let alone twenty.
It would destroy me emotionally.
I have those you know.

And I share them frequently with everyone.
Except you. I am famous for crying in front of people randomly over stupid shit.
But I find it hard to cry in front of you.
Showing you weakness is the hardest thing for me to do because of all the history between us.

Can we ever come to love one another in this family again?

Mum, you also need to stand up and tell Jim when to shut up sometimes.
If he wants the house super clean when he gets home. Make him clean it.
I don’t care how hard he works, he can clean a toilet once in awhile.
Stand up for yourself for godsake it pains me to see you take orders the way you do.

Stop hiding away beneath your social mask and come out and state your true opinions.
Stop trying to fit in and for godsake be the rebel i’ve heard you were in your youth.
I would have loved her like a mother I never had. Because I can’t love the person you have become.
Sometimes I wonder if the rumours of you not accepting me when I was born are true or not.
Who knows. And for godsake. See a therapist and talk about what your dad did to you.
It’s left you soulless and hurt.

Jim, Stop bossing mum around. I don’t give a shit how hard you work.
You’re a grown man and should act better. If you want things at home a certain way.
Then do them yourself. If you’re such a powerful man who thinks he knows the world then how come you
can’t lift a finger to scrub a bench once in awhile.
A man who can run an empire but not look after the emotional as well as financial needs of his family is no man at all.

I have never been delusional and while this may come across as such, or even as arrogant I don’t care.
I have ALWAYS been smarter than you both, you fail to realise this when talking to me.
You talk down to me like i’m a 5 year old child. I’m a grown woman.
Respect me as such. Because everyone else in my life does.

Heather thinks you are both insane, she fakes it to play happy families just like you do mum but she is reaching the end of her tether.
One day I fear she will snap at both of you, because she says some things about you behind your backs you wouldn’t like to hear.
Let me put it this way, the only difference between me and heather in terms of what we think about society and what we think about you is that I voice them LOUDLY and she doesn’t voice them when people except me are around.

This is probably a stupid way to get on your goodside, and I wouldn’t be suprised if you disowned me entirely.
Feel free, make me no longer your problem. Then cover up my existence the way you do with every other problem.
I’m not playing anymore.

Just help make me complete and then let me move on.
I am trapped by illness, trapped by fiancial circumstance and trapped by a world that hates me just for existing and defying it’s social rules. This isn’t a cage I built on purpose.
I never chose to be trans.
I never chose to be Autistic.
It is WHO I AM.

If you can never live with the fact that you recived a broken and damaged child that isn’t my problem.
But atleast you could have the heart to take of her now.
Yes you pay my bills and bought me an apartment.
Also speaking of that apartment can I please have the title deeds and everything related to them.
Proof of owenership, mortgage details.
Mainly so I can sell it and move.
Far far away from this city from hell.
I hate perth. It is a horrible boring place for somebody such as I.
It lacks intellectual stimulation and is far to conservative for my liking.
I need somewhere more real. Where this is I’m not sure.
But it is not here.

Where I go after my surgery isn’t your business.
Because I wont be telling you.
I’m done with you.
Please make me complete so I can get the hell out of here.

Thank you,

Samantha Elizabeth Davies.



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